Happy new year from 40,000 feet up in the sky…
I’m sipping a Virgin Mary in business class while my 3 year old daughter and 73 year old mother slum it downstairs in economy. I’m on my way to Australia to try to get into the only trial in the world for colo-rectal cancer that will have me with my 2 cancers!
The theme tune from the latest Disney blockbuster, Frozen 2, is playing on repeat in my head. Its fast becoming my life motto.
Our journey into the unknown began yesterday morning with a chauffeur driven Mercedes arriving at 10am to pick me up. My dear brother Thomas upgraded my ticket to business class saying that I needed to arrive in Australia well rested. I didn’t put up too much resistance. He also booked airport transfers in a wheelchair. Photos of this humiliation later…
Of course I wasn’t ready at 10am, I was in the shower washing my hair much to the detriment of Liam’s nerves. But this gave my mum time to negotiate with the driver so that all my kids could go in the back of the Merc. The driver confessed to me on the way to the airport that he wouldn’t usually do this but he just couldn’t refuse my beautiful mother!
Liam’s sister Auntie Gill followed in her car with the baggage, Liam and my mum.
So it was a merry convoy.
I have been trying to approach this trip with the mindset that it’s all a bit of a jolly junket, a fun adventure into the unknown.
However when we got to Glasgow airport my positive facade began to crumble. I don’t know when or even whether I’m coming back home. I’m going out to be a guinea pig for dangerous experimental drugs. Clinical trials have a 5% chance of working. If it works I’ll have to stay in Australia and if it doesn’t work I’m really worried that I’ll have deteriorated to the point that I won’t be able to travel back to Scotland.
‘Mum are you crying?!’ Mora was part astonished, part embarrassed and part appalled. My children have never seen me cry.
I whispered to her I was just putting on an act to try and get Indy and my mum upgraded…
I tried to explain to the check in desk that I needed my mother and daughter with me in business class as I was very ill with cancer and occasionally incontinent (this is actually true) but it just made me really upset to have to spell out the precariousness and horror of my situation to a stranger. With my little kids watching the show… anyway it was to no avail as Emirates business class was full.
It was really hard to say goodbye to Liam and the kids. As we approached the point of no return I could feel a dam of terrible sadness inside myself starting to burst. I said my tearful goodbyes as quickly as possible and scuttled through the security barrier with my heart breaking.
Then when my mother and Indy were funnelled down a separate corridor to economy class and I was left on my own I am ashamed to say I went into an uncontrollable meltdown and I spent the first hour of the flight sobbing into my fancy business class seat. Not even free champagne could cheer me up. A very nice air hostess tried to comfort me by giving me a box of tissues and telling me that her mum and her gran had died of cancer. Then they let Indy come and visit me for 5 minutes and that helped. Thank god she is with me because she is just so funny and happy it’s impossible to remain despondent around her. Here she is with her fluffy toy lemur enjoying hanging out in business class.
Everything has happened so quickly that half my friends don’t even know I’ve left the country.
But really it’s got to happen quickly. There are only a handful of places left on the trial. And my pain escalated so much over Christmas that I wondered if I was starting to die. I wasn’t able to sleep. I lost my appetite and I’ve been so bone tired hopping from one leg to another and gyrating my pelvis constantly in an effort to ease the pain.
I’ve always been a bit resistant to popping painkillers and famously gave birth to my son Christy with just two paracetamol. My current pain has crept up on me in the last few weeks and it was my neighbour who is an anaesthetist who sorted me out. He noticed me stooped over in pain and scolded me when i told him the minimal amount of painkillers i was taking. He said there was no need to suffer from pain and advised that I quadruple my pain medication. It’s much more manageable now. And I have morphine for breakthrough pain should I need it.
I’ve travelled 6334 miles and there are 1200 to go. Two hours till I get to Sydney where the city is encircled with bush fires. Out of the frying pan and into the unknown. Insanely I’ve come all this way but I don’t know if I’m going to get onto this trial until they screen me. I will find out in the next week or two and I’ll keep you posted.
We love you so much. You’re amazing ❤️ Claire
Sending you all the best wishes possible for this trial in Sydney Claire. I hope you get a break soon that will beat back the cancerous bugger for good.
Claire! You are braver and stronger than you know!! Sending you all the good vibes from California xxxxxx
Claire, wishing you all the best lovely. Sending all my positive thoughts and vibes your way. Xxx
Good luck Claire. I’m keeping everything crossed and sincerely hoping for the best outcome. X
Wow. Claire wishing you the very best of luck!! Amazing!! You are the hardcorest person I know. How do you do all this? So glad Indy and your mum are there with you. Go girl!
Keeping everything crossed that you get on to the trial Claire! You amaze me! Sending love and healing wishes xx
Claire, This must be so tough, leaving half your family, friends and home for the unknown. But even though I hardly know you, I feel sure you are up for this. You are so obviously loved by so many, and your own incredible strength will keep you going. And you’re looking just as good as I remember you in PQ all those years ago. You’ve got this. Can you share where you will be staying and which hospital will be (hopefully) treating you? My best friend is a nurse in Sydney. Hope you get to see a bit of the city too. Sending love to you, your mum and Indy. Sandy (Raffan) xxx
Thanks sandy. it’s a hospital in Randwick, I think called the prince of wales hospital – the address is Scientia Clinical Research Ltd. Xxx
Will be thinking about you Claire and sending you all the love in the world xxx
Thanks so much for the update. Will be thinking of you and hoping you get on the trial. How bonnie is Indy and sooooo big. Sending you lots and lots of love xxx
Sending my love and best wishes to you all. You are a strong and brave lady. 💕
Dear Claire,
Thinking of you so much and crossing everything in the hope that you get on the trial. (And I’m crossing all baby Eddie’s fingers and toes too). Must be so heartbreaking to leave Liam and the kids, you are such a strong, amazing woman. I’m so glad you’re popping some extra pills. Thank you for sending this update, love the pics! please know we are all thinking of you and sending so much love, metta and healing vibes. I think you are probably an atheist but I’ll ask the Buddhists to chant for you too. Much love dear girl, Jude H xxxx
Really great news about the drug trial. We all wish you the best of luck and science and look forward to hearing Indy’s Aussie accent when you all come back to Raintown. Love, John, Kallia, Nina and the rest of the animal menagerie xx
Love reading your blog – I know Liam through telly. Sending you all the good wishes in the world. X
Good luck in Australia Claire. I really hope you get on the trial! Best wishes, Helen
Oh Claire, I’m thinking of you and sending so much love. Hyndland and Hayburn are rooting for you.
All the best, Claire! You and the family show such a lot of courage.
Brave, strong lady! An inspiration!
I love you so much – you are incredible.
Sending you love and healing thoughts from all here at Blelack. Hx
Love and light to you Claire! Praying for you every day and you’re always in my thoughts xx Laura
Hang on in there; you are remarkable!
Although I only met you once Claire. You were a passenger in my hackney . I knew you were the strongest person I’ve ever met .
I pray you find the answer to your dilemma and return to a long future with your lovely family . Take care x
Dear Claire, please keep posting and taking painkillers. I think of you every day. Love, Ros xxx
Claire you probably don’t remember me, I’m Ev, (Sally’s friend from the four mile). I just wanted to wish you all the best on your trip to Australia. Your strength is inspiring, you deserve all the happiness in the world 💗 xx
All the best Claire, sending love and positivity from Drumoak.
All the best Claire will be thinking of you. Hope trial is success❤️
Best of luck Claire. Ach mate *arm punch* x
You are remarkable, I hope all goes well for you in Oz,
Dear Claire,
We’ve got everything crossed and like Suzanne taught us, we’re putting in the positive pictures big time. Will look forward to some good news re the trial. You are such an inspiration to all. Much, much love from Kate and Pete in Armidale. 😘
Oh Claire – you light up the world. Your humour, your honesty, your courage and your endless compassion for others. We all learn from you. If this trip can work for anyone, it can work for you! Go girl. Lots of love to you and your family. Wishing you the very best, Gwen Jim James and Lily. Xx
Hi Claire! You are so amazing. Sending all my love. Hoping you get on this trial ASAP. If there’s anything you need from Melbourne, let me know and I can help out. Xxxx
Claire.. I am thinking of you!! <3
Claire, sending every positive wish in the world to you, from the other side of it. Paul E x
Wishing you lots of luck and continued strength x
All the best for the trial, positive thoughts with you.
Lots of best wishes and positive thoughts to you all Claire. Xx
We are thinking of you and pray you get the trail and that it helps you. Sending love amy and sienna
Massive respect to you Claire! This must be so tough, you have such great courage and we are all rooting for you every step of the way. Lots of love Emma xx
These help me to understand what’s going on and to catch up with your news. Thanks for telling us what’s going on. So bloody hard I can’t imagine it. You are a legend still able to write with humour through all that.
Good luck with the trials, and I look forward to seeing you soon XXXXXX
Hang in there Claire. Hope you get on that trial.
BIG LOVE to you.
There are so many people holding you in mind Claire with hope for successful treatment and a swift return to Glasgow. Thankfully, good wishes stretch easily to the other side of the world! Xx
Hi Claire. Another BBC friend moved to Australia years ago and then went through a similar experience but had to come back to the UK to get onto a trial. It has given her an extra four years of life. I think she’s in Melbourne now. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4O9sIuEcpI
Sending you all the luck in the world! Susie xx
We hope everything will be going as planned. We will think of you. 💕 You are a strong woman, you can do this.
Love and kisses.,
Stathis & Marianne
Claire, I think about you lots and have been wondering how you were. Your positivity and courage are very humbling to the rest of us. And your writing is just brilliant too. I pray that this trip will bring good results for you. Nigel, Maud and I are sending much love to you over there, and to Liam and the kids in Glasgow. Stay strong all of you, and keep on keeping on mighty lady, Kath xx
The children‘s Wood folk will think of you and are sending tons of love. You are amazing and so are your kids and Liam. And your sweet mum. We need you back here in Glasgow- all our very, very best.xxx
I read this listening to “into the uknowwwwn!”…you got this! I miss you and am thinking of you!
Thinking of you and sending so much love. Keeping everything crossed for the trial xx
Best of luck Claire, sending you all the best wishes in the world. You are a warrior! Lots of love, Sally
Oh Claire. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I passed your house this morning and was thinking of you as I saw Liam busy at the car. . I really hope you get on this trial. I’m praying for the best possible outcome for you and your lovely family. Sending much love to you xxx
Really hoping that you get this trial treatment Claire. You show such beauty, strength and courage. Sending lots of love and positive vibes. Julie, Peter Kaspar and Iris xx
Claire , your strength staggers me, I hope Australia does its best for you and your fantastic family. With much love from Sally’s Auntie..❤️
You are an amazing human being. Everything crossed for being accepted for the trial and from there anything is possible..X
Dear friend, thinking of you loads and missing you. Sending you love and everything positive I can. You’re inspirational xxxxx
Dear Claire, i hope and pray you get on this trial. I have everything crossed for you and I really do believe that miracles can happen. I am visualising the best ever possible miracle for you. Quite a dynamic little trio you have there – you, your mum and little Indy. If anyone can make things happen – you three can. Lots of love, Sid xxxx
Claire you wonderful human being. Safe travels and wishing you the best of luck with this treatment. Lots of love Heather XXX
Everything crossed to get you on that trial and to get you back in Scotland feeling stronger and better in every way. Love to you xx
Sending you all our love & good wishes. You are so amazing, so strong, so inspiring and so well-loved. We’re so, so sorry that you are having to endure such an awful time. But please know that we are all lending you our strength & wishing you well from the bottom of our hearts… Katy & Jim xxx
Wishing you the very best of health Claire! Have you read “How to Starve Cancer” by Jane McLelland? If not, please get a copy asap and read it – it’s packed full of superb research and advice – truly inspirational! Also, Joe Tippens’ protocol is working for a lot of people – you can find his story and his exact protocol (he isn’t selling anything!) by googling ‘mycancerstory.rocks’. There are other excellent pieces of mainstream research available, eg using low-dose naltrexone to prevent cancers from spreading, while simutaneously boosting your immune system, at the LDN research trust’s excellent website. There are many potential solutions using a combination of off-label drugs, herbal/vitamin supplements, with or without ‘conventional’ treatments. May you find your solution soon! xx
Hi Anne yes I’m all over these off label drugs and jane’s book. I have even bought the joe tippens dog wormer! But giving myself a break while I’m applying for this trial as I think they want me clean of other drugs!
Always thinking of you, dear Claire. Sending all our love xxx
Best of luck Claire, I hope this year is your year. You so deserve it. Indy rather suits business class xxx
Dear Claire,
Judy’s friend Elaine here from a long while back. I wanted to say hello from Ireland and wish you all the good wishes and luck in the world for this trip.
I think about you lots and Judy keep me updated. You are a wonderful honest writer and your humour and love for your family comes through in every post.
Love to you and your family from Elaine and Paul . Love photos of Indy! ! xo
Good Luck Claire, all the very best from the Afty – will be thinking about you.x
Good luck with the trial. And make sure you take time to enjoy those roaring Bushfires in the background.I hear they will keep you toasty warm in the cold Australian summer 😉
Dear Claire, we think you are an amazing Warrior Woman (as is your mother)! Thanks for posting this update. We will see you three in Sydney soon. Best of luck & hang in there darling.
All our love, Jill & Drew.
Claire you are an inspiration to is all. ❤️
Good luck Claire
Love Stevie xx
Thinking of you Claire, and your lovely family. You are incredible. Wishing you Lots of luck, Esme
Dear Claire
It seems like an age since seeing you buzz about PQ, so clever and energetic and full of purpose. It is wonderful to read your carefully crafted words and hear your lucid voice through them. You are so smart and honest. I am in awe of you. I wish you every atom of luck and every burst of energy you need for your epic journey. Lots of love from Sarah (Proctor) xxx ps please keep writing, it is such a gift you have. Xxx pps keep your pain in check, you have already proved how incredibly strong you are xx
Dear Claire What a warrior you have been .Your determination and courage to do what ever it takes to be with your husband and beautiful children is incredible & reminds me of my husband in his 8 yrs with multiple myeloma. Parallels of course with your dear Dad. Do hope you get on the trial & no reason why you cant be in the 5% ..someone has to be ! Sending lots of healing hugs and thoughts to you all.from Diana , Nick and Tessa Yallop xxx
It is strange to read this, Claire, as I saw you just a week ago and you looked your usual lively self, and even apologised for not being able to stop and talk longer. I hope and wish this works out for you and will be thinking of you, Liam and your family, and sending you lots of love, Catherine xx
Well that’s a trip to Sydney for me then! Got everything crossed you get on! J xxx
Happy New Year to you Claire and all your lovely family. Your bravery, humour and honesty are incredible and here’s wishing you all the very best and big hugs from back hame in Glasgow 😘
Great to read of your flight, though a little gut wrenching! How you coped with us all there for New Year I’ll never know. But I’m so glad I was there to join in the wonderful chaos. All the best with trials Claire. Fingers crossed with the screening.
Xxx Eric
Rooting for you all the way, Claire, incredible woman that you are, LxxX
❤️ xxx
Just wanted to add our voices to the cacophony of love and good wishes Claire! Good luck with everything – you’re amazing!!! Love Jen, Patrick and the gang xxx
Good luck Claire, do something about those fires too while you’re over there xxx
Dear Claire,
I hope you, Moya and Indy are settling in after the long journey. Been thinking and talking of you often over the past few days. If anyone deserves to rally all the good spirit and luck from the universe it’s you. Kisses to Indy,
Love from Kirsteen and Bill x x
Sending you, Liam and the kids all the love in the world.
I just wanted you to know that I’m always thinking about you.